dammit, loathed I.
Feet all wet, fresh off of the boat with these luggages I could barely carry anymore. The endless flights and transfers and taxi and boat and taxi again and uh can’t remember but I’m here now.
Thought I could catch some fresh air on this island. To slowly heal from the other life I had before I hopped on that plane 30 hours ago. I couldn’t contain the excitement despite my jet-lagged body. i checked into my room and whoosh I went with my bike. The air of freedom permeated the air as I smoked and rode through these charming shops. Hippies here and there with their stories and vapes and what-nots. Potheads, I smirked and parked my cute island bike.
An iced cappuccino just running through this dry throat like someone who hadn’t had sex in weeks and gosh caffeine fucked me great. It’s hard to notice among all these strangers passing by. What trauma and problems at home are they escaping from, I wondered, do they have the same resemblance at home – like same hot hot? It’s like scrolling your explore page on Instagram in real life. Hard to notice one or two that caught your attention coz cute faces they just blur into pixels. All that until…….you.
Who is this person, amidst the whirlwind of people, staring at me 3 shops across from where I’m sitting. That low-key seductive look jolted all my senses. Or is it just because when you’re traveling everything feels a hundred times nicer. Or the very idea of San Junipero and why these lost souls flee here. Anyways still staring. So we exchanged one or two looks.
That caffeine and my burnt out soul got the best of me. fuck it I walked towards that cafe and lit my cigarette. You walked out to join me. Clever, I thought. I kept my cool trying to embarrass myself less this time. I remember you began, can’t believe you’d notice me. Uh this thrill when we spoke. Well, pretty damn hard to miss that nice hair huh? I replied. You smiled and I got weak. Whatever spell you casted – it worked. Instead of running home and get some sleep, all I wanted that evening was to stand there and to talk to you.
I tried getting to know 45% of your inner parts of your life in our first 2 hours together from whom you hate most at work to your favorite positions – you know those extremes in creating my perfect first impression. Somehow all the conversation tricks I’ve come to learn have prepared me for this moment. You seemed charmed by all the strings I had to pull but it didn’t feel tough. You gave off the mutual energy to keep me going.
You said you had to go and worked a bit. But we planned on catching up again really soon. I left. Thoughts of you were killing me. Ofcourse I could not sleep – so eager to come and see that stranger I just met again.
I broke the ice by starting our dinner with awkward cheesy, creepy stuff like “why don’t I eat you for dinner?” We laughed so hard and I swear I could pull a lot of these like we’ve known each other long enough. We then planned on catching the sunrise together before you had to take off for the pre-arranged trips of your own with your whole gang.
So we grabbed drinks and food in times and places that worked. I remember I was happy and felt accepted my dark jokes made you laugh. I’m your biggest fan when you smile, you confessed when I kissed you. I was dead and felt like I had just won another life lottery. So I smiled more because of you. I am allowing myself to be more vulnerable to you each day.
Days had gone by. Conquered more and more places surrounding this magical island. Some days we enjoyed together, other days one of us had other things planned with other friends. It became more apparent that we’d let this thing grow far despite our struggles matching times and stuff.
The time bomb is ticking and departure date is here. Your boat came to get you before mine did. We said our goodbyes there but were already excited for the next trips we arranged in the coming weeks and months despite being 5-8 timezones apart.
Since the days you took off, I took the time to revisit the places to escape the thoughts of you and finding you somehow all at once. To feel you again. We’d switched to text mode now exchanging memes and pics and endless plans about our next holiday. Until then, only these residues of you.
Days away from my own departure but it felt like forever and I was starting to miss you more. With distance and time difference, dynamics shifted, days fell a little silent. I woke up one morning to a text that read, “I can’t go on like this, will forget you for a while. Have a good one.“
….
And just like how you push a button to exit a game, reversing into strangers.
It’s now just my head and you, having funerals of your texts. Not a million songs could make these go away. Wish we had spoken a little more. But we had parted ways and return to the life we had pre-San Junipero. No matter how much I’d warned myself about this thing these days when you allow ‘anything could happen’ it hurts. Was it a sin to adore?
I soaked myself in our memories, finding clarity on where we are, convincing myself it was not a dream. But it sure as hell was. The stars were real, our shared laughs and fantasies, how we mentioned each other’s names, the strange times we find each other, I remember everything just so perfectly. A friendly limerence, that’s all we had for each other.
But one could only let go and watch the stars from afar. Until then, shine on.
I hope to write more of these fictional tales. apps to explore my creativity beyond my realities here. Hope you enjoy 😉
Muhammad Carlos 
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