Heartbreak Express.

It’s a heartbreak-bound one, but we hopped on anyway.

There I was, after stealing a few glimpses, full-on struck off the gate, at you, the almighty energy, awakening every lust there was. We boarded with zero hesitation. And it’s just pure game on along these carriages.

Choo choo, off we went.

1st stop – lounging in the corner of this carriage I was smoking like a chimney, like you are, as we went on from common interests to diving into each other’s trauma. All the way into judging each other’s past. We already had nicknames for each other by now. You know you remind me of a past, you mumbled. As scared as you were, I leaned into you, followed by a number of unintended moves.

2nd stop – I moved my seat and led you on. You welcomed the subtle invite. I flirted here and there. We became more intimate as the train sped up. The world had stopped I no longer cared if Zeus would send thunders our way. I just stared into the depth of your eyes, fully captivated, into your world, full of tales, untold, raw. I felt safe. I hoped you did, too.

3rd stop– in one of the conversations, I revealed what I couldn’t keep to myself. Pushing us backwards from whatever we have developed. The mood shifted fast. You went to seek peace in a different carriage needing time to think. From one carriage to another, but still I found you, anyhow. The fuck are you doing here? your eyes caught my presence in great shock. With guilt, I distanced myself away though making sure I could still see you.

5th – having overlooked the fourth stop, think it’s my stop, in firm tone, you made sure I heard it. Asked me to leave the carriage so I went away, like any villain would.

6th, 7th, ……

10th stopWhere are you, I thought to myself. I kept looking out the window until I felt a warm hand patting my back. Just this time I wish God would let me see you again. I was….right – it’s you. God was right. The Universe was kind to have let you stay. You stayed and lord if it didn’t feel like I just cured cancer. I was so happy. I got us more coffee, talked more, overlooking many stop signs. But the clock kept ticking.

17th stop – let’s get off at the next transit I wanna try their food and buy us souvenirs. We got off. Ate and enjoyed everything they had there, music, coffee, you name it. Whatever this was. In the back of our heads, we were prolonging these growing pains. Trying to get on the train again and feel better prepared for what was to come. I hugged you but your tensed kisses, sending us to the abyss of sadness.

somewhere 19th -22nd stop – what is our threshold of pain? I began questioning, to myself, to you. We skipped that question and saved it for another hour. Another 6 to 12 hours.

23rd stop – the train didn’t stop. We stayed as long the mountains and the greens remained. Fun and games until the suppressed feelings begged to be felt. Pain to be recognized. We were past the threshold now. It was only wise to take the next exit, you suggested with crumbling voice.

I couldn’t bring myself to speak so I just nodded. Hence, Adios.

……highly doubt there is more to the journey we’ve had regardless of how accustomed we’ve grown towards each other’s comfort. The inevitable end was here. We’ve played all cards and thanks for loving me in times I could not on this ride. The love we’ve come to know is highly unacceptable outside of this train and It did not feel great holding on to uncertain scenarios, nor was it the best thing to fool oneself into believing in an alternate destination. Not on this train.

Saudade Saudade, I whispered, as I walked away from the platform.


End. Chapter One.


Note from writer: happy birthday to me. Instead of blogging more of life milestones and shit, I feel incredibly happy to have this personal space to craft my thoughts into something enjoyable and immerse myself more in my creative element. Looking to share more of this soon. Merci life. Makaci universe.

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