[editing] A day off – Healed?

A quarter ago, life at work was peaking, I found myself struggling to navigate life around work and life, and love, to the extent I was taken to see a shrink. I was suddenly handed a million things at once and taking up too much of my personal bandwidth. I felt I was up for the challenge of course, but decisions I make in life have always had a strong impact on others, especially loved ones I was surrounded by, followed by the many impacted things I could not see in my busy days. That until one turning point in January, my work and love life took an unexpected turn. That moment onwards, I was less busy and had time for experiments.

Today I’m just unexplainably exhausted but whatever. Not from work. Not from all the things and exciting projects I do. Even on a day off like this, my mind seems a lot more exhausted than it probably should, longing for a space to NOT think and just be present, which I find, after learning for years, is still so damn easier said than done, except for those online life gurus who seem to have shit figured out. On some days I could carry on, meeting a lot of new people, code-switching across projects I do (that come from super different industries), trying to be accommodating and not that annoying social being I usually appear to be at times. On some days, it’s tough to even function or reply a single word to simple messages, drowned and swamped. Perhaps it’s just in my head so I waited it out until I feel better. I have felt better, just not yet ready to function more than I have been for the last 20 months.

Pinpointing your actual state of emotions or identifying signs of….um…depression could be extremely challenging. I am clueless still as to what I’m drained about mostly, is it the obvious social interaction and the overwhelming number of things I actually do. Is my heart tired from being on the prolonged survival mode I had to suppress my emotions everytime I had to be human. My therapist thought so. My inner-self, however, did not grasp this. Mind and body needing sometime to fully recharge and function again.

A lot of people on the internet simply have this idea of healing as easy as hopping on a plane to faraway places on self-pity journeys in hopes to find themselves and recover anyhow, with the help of magic and some religious traditions they now glamorize. Glad if it helps for some. But it sure as hell bullshit I never bought. For me it was difficult to see what kind of method I needed to be able to recover, to possibly heal, to finally feel not just happy, but to be at peace with every decision I’ve made, every version that I am, and whatever the fuck else healing means to me, or anyone trying to heal. It may look very different from one person to another.

The past one week allowed me to be one with family, both by blood and people I consider one, unbothered by the external world (re: social media) and do as I please. I wake up. Do shit, old and new.

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