I have not had the chance to trek anymore. The last time I did it was circa 2013 to Rinjani, which was closer to home for a beginner. And nothing major ever since, just a little hike here and there when I felt like it, and a few plans to embark on adventures in Nepal or India (but never had the chance to due to…all things).
I cannot put the memories back together tonight in the greatest details but I do remember these: it was in March (it kinda rained pretty damn hard and cold, the one that could get you soaked and hate your life but kinda had to make it anyways), squeezing the supposedly 3N4D trip to 2N2D to both the lake and the summit, zombied our way 10-12 hours a day from one post to another, and pushing through the finish line because someone had to fly the next day and the constant urge to like give up but amazed at the beautiful wilderness you’re surrounded with. To give you context, think about having not water-showered in the past two days, having only 1 headlamp working, 1 flashlight from a 9% charged phone, 4 of you, one-fifth of bottled water left, the guide kept saying 1km left since 8pm and it was midnight, through the jungle of the jungle in its most literal meaning that you didn’t dare looking elsewhere but your feet especially what you might see above your head or your side. All that beautiful pain until around 3am. SO it’s a bunch of mixed feelings. We cheered ourselves by talking about getting a nice massage tomorrow and revenge sleep in the city.
I cannot NOT go on, despite my broken legs and thirst and the toxic thoughts ‘it’s gonna be over soon’ for…..hours. I’m reliving those moments of weakness to kindly remind myself that it is the only way I’ve learned how to survive. In my present life, taking up 3-4 jobs at once, not taking a penny for yourself, paying off hundreds of million you never used as a cost to keep the already established trust among you and people, drained basically on most days but trying not look like one when talking and lending my ears to friends who’s bitching about the everyday life that we all have to endure anyways.
Right now in a life with stakes that could only go up, I could only learn to build and rebuild myself each day, armed with resilience. I’m not so good at self-pity knowing how incredibly privileged I am and so much to give. I may have lost what felt like everything, but I sure know how to fight. Fucking hard. Either that or I got comfortable being thrown against the wall and stand back the fuck up somehow.
We never really got the massage like we dreamed of doing that horrible dark hours. Perhaps the same way we overpromised ourselves the many things we no longer wanted after arriving at a certain age. I realised I no longer had all the time in the world to be stupid and do everything unplanned anymore. I have been a nice dude in the workforce now, do a lot of things by the book, putting aside my entrepreneurial dreams for a bit until things are under control. Do I miss my life being reckless and wildly optimistic? Or afford being irresponsible young adult? Yes and no.
Ah to be young and glorify the misperceived ideas of ourselves. I’ve reached the age of giving a fuck a lot more for the small list of things I care about, and waste less energy on bitching abt the little things, or explain myself. Anyway, thanks for stopping by in this no-context writing. To sum up, I’m happy to be where I am today can’t complain. And I hope that you are too, to find joy wherever you may find it today, and tomorrow, or the day after.
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