I allow myself to believe I’m actually diving in the ocean of my own dreams, that everything I do from 5am (sometimes) to 2am is a result of carefully-organised thoughts. Even posting 5 photos a day on Instagram plays a key part of it.
It’s action-packed. One morning I’m sharing breakfast with backpackers who are on that one-year self discovery trip in Ubud. The next week I’m on that Javanese locomotive to Central Java and struggling to find a place to rest my back on a bench 20 metres from Blenduk Church at 6am, right before my early morning meeting. Hours before that, I was in a studio apartment in North Jakarta trying to get better at sound engineering world for the sake of my hobbies. All of these in the middle of midterm exams (Yes! I really am a registered student at a school). Now in Lombok, spoiled by my mother’s standard menu at lunch table forgetting how messy everything in my head is for a second before racing back to reality full of decisions to make and words to say.
Next week, I’ll be in Mama land again (Alor, NTT) to do what I said I would as I now have setup a team of cool women. In between, talking to a bunch of people through Skype or in person to learn what I need to learn, updating plans, reviewing my moves and lastly, being home for the family I love, and lucky to still have until today.
It’s not as overwhelming as I may have depicted it and in fact, I have more free time than most of my friends (the reason why I often panic questioning if I’ve been wasting my life). The problem is no longer about how effectively I divide the constant 24 hours into doing all things I love and have no idea about, it is to be mentally stable at all times. It’s still something I’m struggling with although I may have been fooled repeatedly believing I got the world all figured out and all that wisdom shit. I am not a robot nor a superman. I’m still, like many, many, many, many people before me, confused as hell whether smiling in a picture remains a questionably appropriate pose with many balls to keep in the air simultaneously. What I’m still forcing myself to learn is ‘how’ exactly I’ve been able to manage to always try to be there for anyone who needs me on earth, despite how many rain checks I’ve obtained, even after pulling so many strings to be somewhere. I keep making time for anyone, large group of strangers contribute to this, despite how disconnected I am sometimes trying to shutdown what’s in my head. However, I’m willing to always lend my ears to anyone, anytime. I still think it’s a cruel to reject someone with an ‘I’m busy’ excuse.
From where I stand, all things seem to run in parallel, and hopefully to always be in control. I’m certainly happy to be able to believe in the daily progress I’m making and not overwhelmingly daunted by the grand goals.
I’m writing this in sole purpose to slap myself in the face what a privilege it is to be able to do just all that. And be happy.