In the Static Mode

I hate constant. That’s no doubt.

I don’t fear speaking up my mind on behalf of myself or someone else to anyone regardless of their age or the level of education they have accomplished, even in the most vehement way possible (only if required), or to punch the world with my dreams. One thing I do know is that I’m afraid of being in the static mode that requires me to, you know, keep my feet in one point. Not making any other move.

This pattern I’ve discovered within me is obtained from evaluating thoroughly a series of lives I’ve lived (I like to divide my life into different chapters, if you don’t know me). For instance, how the idea of having to tutor kids in person on a fixed weekly schedule scares me. It leaves me no choice but to let my body stay in Jakarta every week when my mind tells me to do otherwise. Another example: how keeping up with classes offered at the school is really killing my intellectual curiosity when the answers to these questions I’ve been developing on daily basis are not available in their fancy classrooms that are filled with kids obsessed with grades and conferences. Or institutions that are displaying their students as the successful products by playing numbers of salaries their graduates make and all that shit. I’m sorry to say this but it’s not for me.

Call me overconfident but knowing my grand purpose is everything and ‘how I’m gonna make it’ is next. To my case, I’ve known mine. Throughout my journeys, I’ve been learning the hard way what I actually don’t know and why I should understand that profoundly. I deserve more than just sitting in classes with lecturers who often fail to inspire me or the way their courses are made makes me hate my life. What you want to know is strictly limited by what these profitable educational institutions offer. That’s why I’m walking the extra mile in every area of my life. Always. Knowledge and all the other great lessons are usually in the places where no one has the time to even look at. They also could come from the mouths of people who seem to be the opposite of somewhat inspiring. I gain important lessons from the dirtiest hands, from the people who swim into the damn mud because that tells me the truth of what it is out there. That’s just how it works, I believe.

How I’ve been dealing with my difficulties in being in the constant mode takes years of practice: I stay in one place until I’m able to figure out what I don’t know. I move, a lot, in my figurative life and in reality. I’m a job hopper with rules: I only stay until I see myself not moving anywhere I need to be. I’ve lived in more than 10 homes in Jakarta alone over the span of only 3 years (someone actually thinks I’m a drug dealer because of this). In conclusion, that’s the constant I’ve come to know as a young adult today. Even friends or someone I’m asking to partner with me in business ventures are afraid of saying yes because of my tendency to leave (not leaving in an irresponsible way btw). It’s just sometimes I feel the need to move somewhere new, fresher, with things I’m not familiar with.

If I had to stay and find myself doing the same thing, I’m afraid I end up using only 1% of my brain when it’s capable of more. Or I still have a big piece of 24hrs a day to kill. Or having more money that I should. I may find myself wasting my time doing something I already knew, meaning I fail to use all the resources I have as effectively efficient as I should that can harm the outcomes I envisioned. I’m truly scared.

Within this chapter of my life, I’m giving it a try: routines.

-I see someone who teaches me how to move as I breathe, how to stand still in one foot, find a balance in my chaotic mind. This helps regain my focus.

-I see a friend teacher who helps me understand a foreign language I’m eager to understand.

-I put myself in the water every other day to channel my energy. This helps me to understand about setting up my pace. That if I need to reach the grand predefined goals, I need to understand my speed and energy in order to achieve the target, instead of failing miserably for exhausting all of the energy in the beginning.

-Whenever people are hooked up in a conversation with me, I’d tell my brain to organize the order of my stories so I don’t get lost in my own stories.

-I train my emotional intelligence with spending time with the people of both groups, those who hate their lives and those who appreciate little things. I learn to be humbled by their stories and how to keep going. No matter fucking what.

-And school.  

Everything I write above have a fixed schedule that I almost have zero control of. My aim is to teach myself self-discipline. It matters more than anything to me. It is to reduce the risks of me fucking things up.

I’ve been building the core of my dreams. Perhaps, anyone who’s met me in person would’ve said the same thing: what is it that you do? I know It’s puzzling to some to watch me do different kinds of things that don’t seem to make sense sometimes. I have the full consent of what I choose to do with my time and money and how these random things will make more sense one day when the big picture is carefully painted.

I’m in the middle of exciting things, building what I said I would. I threw away my dreams to taste a life as a student in Argentina, or Germany or South Africa for a while (I know I sound like an ass rich kid who travels the world every other weekend but it’s not like that). I quit one of the jobs I do last week, just moved in to a new place (again) for a valid reason. I’m learning to lay down my roots in my own home. Now, home to has to be in these three places: Jakarta, Lombok or Alor. There are big responsibilities at home that make me need to do these. So, forget about my habit of showing up somewhere in the middle of something. Gear up for what’s coming in my life in the very near future. All I know is I’m thrilled enough to share each of these here. Soon.

So, yea, it’s all true. The only constant is change. The next time you meet an old friend and she/he talks about how much you’ve changed, worry less because you know you’re moving forward and only you who knows yourself better than anyone. Go change for the better. Explore the worlds of others and be humbled. Seek the right gurus wherever you go. Swallow your pride.

Embrace good change. That’s the only constant.






2 responses to “In the Static Mode”

  1. Reza Avatar

    I feel happy reading this writing because somehow at some point this writing represents my (and maybe many other ppl) thought, and doubt, and worries, and insecurities. Especially those who are categorized as “young adult”. You have the excellent ability to transform thought into words! And I like that part when y say “I deserve more than just sitting in classes with lecturers who often fail to inspire me…” This is true, I believe we deserve more, I know we do. Well, keep doin good, whoever you are. Glad that I eventually find out that I spend my 10 minutes for a very nice reading!


    1. lalucarlos Avatar

      Thank you! Means a lot man!


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