I Have Time

What the hell.

I found myself looking completely lost in the morning mirror, trying to shave a bit of my unhairy asian face, while shampooing my hair and still trying to choose the right music on youtube. I don’t know how I did it. I just thought I could do everything all at once until I dropped the phone and ended up with a shaving cut.

I guess I’ve discovered something I should repair: I’ve always been the guy against the clock. That moment, I’ve learned that what my dad used to tell me was correct: be anything you want, but not everything. And I’ve been fooled by the idea that one should practically believe that the smartest people had only used 7% of their brain. So there I was, pushing hard the limits. No. Nobody is superpower. I don’t even know how to define that vague term.

How’s life after unprostituting?

I can breathe more humanly now. Still bustling around, but in improved pace.

If you grew up as the youngest person in the groups of different tables for maybe >10 years, I can understand the pressure of being put there with your peers but none of the things you hear you can comprehend easily. So, that means sending myself to school again with guys and girls who are two or three years younger than me is exceptionally good. It’s awful good. I’m certainly enjoying the ride, adults. No worries because I’m the one who gets to give voluntary lectures a lot now. And it makes me feel like arriving at that stage of life where you tell stories all the fucking time to people younger than you. I don’t even know if I’ve equipped myself enough to do this, but I’m starting to act the way my older friends act on me. Life is interesting. Always. As interesting as drinking with people in their 30s and 40s who are all in the same boat: questioning “what is it really, the meaning of life?” Perhaps going to ivy league school to learn things or embarking on a one-way ticket journey, very far from their actual, physical home to find the answer to the question may still be hard. Should we even waste our time to think about this? Some say you shouldn’t overthink and some would question the meaning of your life. Funny. But I already knew mine to keep me going. This meaning, however, could only be clearly seen until one day we take the time to look deeper at ourselves, and be as surprised as a kid that the overrated wisdom we need has always been there. To that, I’m bluntly saying that books, places and people, wherever or whoever they are, are just free features we can use to travel within ourselves. Stop thinking about changing the world until you’ve tried hard enough to change yourself.

Enough with the peaceful rage.

This unprostituting process allows me to find myself again to become more tenaciously trenchant. As a result, I’ve brought myself into the childishness, craziness and weirdness of being human now. Interested in the idea of ordinariness more than the pride of being successful, or greed. Surprisingly, all these things led me to my other discovery: I’m getting better at interpreting abstract arts. And to actually grasp what Radiohead lyrics implied (due it makes more sense when you know more things in life). Simply said, I’m back to understanding the worth and value of things in life. I feel intrigued to explore further about where I should put my money between all values in life.

Between these rides, I’ve found a good seat to see my life played in a limpid scene. I’ve stopped chasing things that are not mine, which happened after knowing what I truly want out of my life. I got better at putting all these screaming dreams in a good balance, and to put unnecessary, negative ambitions to rest. Having the privilege to invest my time in learning from people of various backgrounds, I’ve heard just enough about thousands of cock and bull stories in different fields of career or paths of life. I’ve let myself to be slowly dragged back to the little things in life, which I’m very proud of. I’m proud to be able to invest my time in my family, close friends, and as weird as it sounds, with the most random people popped up on my Facebook. The coolest thing I find is I can even get down to brass tacks with these crazy random people I’ve been talking to. I love randomness and it allows me to tinker.

Now I have enough time to run in the artificial nature of Jakarta’s GBK stadium or do a few hamster-runnings in Grand Indonesia gym thing. Also have the time to search for zen in the sauna and run away from uncomfortable stares in the steam. I can actually finish reading a few books I’ve been burying in my bag. I have the time to bump into new people and to open my door as wide as it should have been to any online person in my inbox who apparently has been trying to talk to me on social media. I have time to call my mothers (I have two great mothers). Or to truly say sorry to people whom I’ve may hurt. I have time to truly be humbled by stories of people I’ve heard. I have time to spit at my own previous work and to feel thirsty again about things I’m not very good at. I have time to enjoy more student-budget meals with my college buddies and to be amazed by how cool it is to actually have friends with millions of followers on Instagram. I have time to reach out to old friends who have now become lawyers, photographers, bankers, investors, musicians, writers, the list goes on. I have time to spam my timeline with interesting articles I found online and uncontrollable number of selfies. I have been watching more movies too lately and it’s great bruh! I got time to finally notice how obnoxiously arrogant I sound when talking, and sometimes, mumbling too (mumblingly arrogant? ha!). But now I shouldn’t not care a whit about how I present myself, otherwise I’m not learning. Most importantly, I’ve allowed my eyes to see the porn places I’ve googled years ago when I was a kid. There in the between, I’ve found peace somewhere. Always.

Only after all you’ve taken everything apart, things will be assembled in order, starting to make more sense. I’m here. Still learning. I will always have time.

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