I Kill for A Living

I shit you not. I don’t know what I’m doing. I just do things that excite and scare me all at once, things that are completely foreign to my eyes. As an absolute cost, making mistakes is one of them. And of course not everyone bothers to afford this type of luxury. Precisely here is some blackbelt killing technique I’ve exercised:

  • I was in my first grade when I sensed my interest in trading. Me being as blind as a bat, I picked up everything that came to my sight from used socks to read newspaper, to a plain small plastic bag, to a pen that had no ink in it. I made a lottery system and everyone in my class had to pay for one draw if they wanted to. Everyone went for it. I made almost $2 of net profit that day from nothing but an effort to persuasively sell every piece of paper with number on it. Consider that I was living in one of the poorest areas of Indonesia, to a first grader in 2000, that was massive. But it was all banned a week later. It sucked.
  • I was in 7th grade when I realized that my circle was all adults with families trying to earn an alternative income by selling health products. Its gravity pulled me toward the idea that I could earn income while in school and paid for my own school. I did. As much as you heard–and still hear–from people about the scam of this system. Screw it. I learned something by walking in those shoes: if you really meant it, and you went to everybody’s house in every other night to run your marketing mouth, even if you had to encounter the unwanted argument with your friend’s father (who happened to become an influential doctor in town), people will help you build that dream. I’ve explored all avenues, including my ex-girlfriend’s parents, and as one of the results, I persuaded the killer biology teacher at my school to get a skincare product and it went quite viral in the teachers’ room. I did it for a year until my other journey took over. I killed it. I’m so glad today and would always thank those days every day in my life.
  • In 2010. I got tricked into real shit, deep shithole I swear I won’t go back. Ever. Again. Facebook was a big thing where a lot of people I knew started to get one. I was helping a friend of mine to sell Blackberrys and iPhones at much cheaper prices than the market price. I sold 5 in my first day. Weird things took over. It was a cruel long story that I was a victim of cyber crime and responsible for $1,890 I didn’t use at all. Boy it was hell of a story if I had to write this here. But I’m glad I survived.
  • I applied for the country’s most selective exchange scholarship program. I probably stood a very tiny chance. I was aware that there was no one from the place I grew up had left their mark on this journey; I was alone from Lombok and found two fighters from Bali. The selection process took a year. It didn’t always come with support when you want something out of your life. My parents didn’t fully support my decision to even try. It’s me. So I took the shot and travelled from Lombok by bus or airplane to take every test they had for us. Who knew I made it to be one of luckiest students in Indonesia. Ended up: only less than 180 students out of 10,000 (approx.) who got in the program. Something that was so certain at the time: I would’ve hated myself if I didn’t ignore everyone who forbad me from going.
  • I quit in my first year in college. I threw myself in an uncertainty for a year. This led me to things I never knew I was capable of, made me think of thousands of other possibilities I could do with my life. Time forces you to make decisions like fire but these decisions I managed to make in my lowest point of life had led me to freelance writer, an assistant, a financial consultant, project officers for some fun things, and offers to do those on the list of your hidden potentials. How could you be so certain if life is all about nothing but experiments.
  • I ..hmm enough with the stories.

It made me smile all day today when I thought of all the things that brought me here today in these shoes. It’s an untradable luxury for every drop of sweat and penny that costed you once you’ve invested heavily in experiences to kill the fear that would only grow if you didn’t. This makes me realize how truly important self-determination is and how vulnerable we are at all times when we have no one but ourselves. Having felt the impact, I know how I will teach my kids in the future. I will never tell my kids to do what I like. I want them to not believe in movies, books, whatever until they discover things themselves. To challenge and to question will be something they will have to do first thing in the morning, every day. I don’t tell them what they should and shouldn’t be doing just because I’m their dad. Life is nothing if they don’t know what struggling with fear means, if they don’t have the balls to try say something they have in mind. I want them to dream and make mistakes like an eagle soaring in the high. And they drink their mistakes to know what brought them there and how they could help the others behind them.

My senses speak to me like this: If you ever see your life deeply enough like your lover’s eyes, all those fears that the future holds will fall like dominos. We fear the great darkness in the night because the sun doesn’t help us see what’s that behind those ‘nothing but black’ sort of things until the morning sun rises. Find the hell out. It’s always uncertainty until you see, touch and speak to that thing that once scared you. Own it.

I’ve learned from the best: the experience. I’m tired of giving speech about drugs when I was 15 until I grew up around people who actually consumed it to find out why. I didn’t know that drinking alcohol helped a bunch of people before me discover things that we praise today. I used to count every glass of beer people drinkand yes, the judgement came to me easily until i’ve walked in their shoes, you know, with financial responsibilities and moral bla bla bla. I’ve come to a stop. I don’t want to continue living in the bubble that I know everything. I made myself as hell sure that i’ve walked in the right shoes before arriving at one wise advise. Because advice is cheap. Doesn’t it make you sick to be in one table with someone’s mouth running about shit they know nothing about? With ‘0’ actual experience in it, it will never get me.

I don’t know how many times in one day alone I find myself lost in what I’ve been working on until i step back and. And. And you know, you see where things went wrong within your work or yourself. But I kept believing that things will get better, only if know how to step back and be fair enough to strive for state of objectiveness.  I’d admit that in 10 or 20 years from now, I will still be lost. But hell carpe diem saved me in a lot of my difficult times. And it always will. I’ll sink into the moment and let it own me.

We all have paid different cost, faced what we’ve done and collected the courage. I am glad to be able to share how happy I am to be where I am today and let you know that it’s okay to feel lost. I want nothing less than seeing me and everyone I care about to continue fighting through our fears.

Kill it. That fear. I can’t give an advice in your battlefield. Go experiment. Don’t let anyone outsmart you. If you’ve tried and failed, or end up not liking it, embrace that part of you. It’s a world of uncertainty anyway. Who knows we’ve been wrong about our tiny galaxy until Galileo had the guts to challenge that geocentrism theory.

To continue live a bold and daring life, it’s hard to dismiss the fear in every turn. I can’t afford an assassin to defeat my fears, so I decided to kill one in every turn to keep moving. Moving towards the light.






2 responses to “I Kill for A Living”

  1. Bagus Wicaksono Ruswandi Avatar
    Bagus Wicaksono Ruswandi

    You’re destined for something great, that’s for sure. Hope all is well!👍🏾


    1. lalucarlos Avatar

      Thank you! 🙂 means a lot


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