- all it took was running into a migration agent on a random weekend at a busy Jakarta shopping mall. you entertained the talk. gave your basic details knowing it wont go anywhere. but it did, anyhow.
- initially thinking of the usual American dream routes primarily for the existing support and loved ones in close proximities. then I remember my mama isn’t getting younger here and I need a new home that isn’t 24 hours away to fly to in case of emergencies. as charming as Europe and around could feel, I’m not sure why I don’t feel like there’s a place for me despite never stepping my foot on the continent. my childhood bestfriends neighbours have moved there since we were kids and I have promised to come visit. now I’m just not getting younger and Idk man, hard to explain. life just takes over and you get old and take whatever is left. so in Anglo-saxon options, it felt right to not move into already overcrowded cities with both nature and considerable career growth.
- on one Sunday evening, you joked with your best friends about getting rid of your first car and managed to sell the very first car you co-bought 4 years ago to him. it felt bittersweet for the memories it carried with my dog and all the beach days back home in Lombok then Jakarta.
- you also entertained the idea of making music and finally released that music EP with a team you’re super blessed with. the idea was to make sure sure this debut is pure out of passion. super niche. nothing aimed at the wide pop audience the way you would’ve done with majors. you want it to set the tone enough about who you are, artistically. you wrapped all the creative process in a bedroom studio with a rising gen-Z producer that was about to take off and shipped the EP with seasoned pros in the music.
- one weekend after your best friend’s show, you were rushing someone dear who was out of breath could not move to the ER. you thought it’d be a quick injection then off you went. instead everything came down hill from there on. just like everything else in life, it never tells you what’s about to hit ya in the face.
- after spending weekends in a hospital, you have seen and have felt miracle after miracle about life. everything that happened behind those secure walls with nurses just altered everything in me. how I chose to have faith in something greater than my human logic could ever explain. I knew we were being tested then even in moments between life and death. those 3 and 4 am mornings when nurses started to panic and had to move the person to ICU I felt like I had seen God in the face for what He is truly capable of and i do not know how to feel appropriately at the time
- some weekends it felt better. you were more firm than ever to make hard decisions.
- you sold the salon business thing, Naia beau, which I started w bare hands with a friend (dont ask me why salon) before we got bought then turned into Mirror Mirror (whatever happened here) but long story short it was best to get rid of it once and for all. so took the exit. you were freed from the burden of meeting monthly revenue target and growing end to end in an industry you knew fuck-all about at the start.
- the cafe business Jelajah you joined in lives on and has grown in ways you did not expect. it now has three branches across Lombok – Bali. I’m not operationally involved at all and it appears to outperform projections.
- the next weekend, you asked your agent to list your Jakarta apartment for rental, your first dream home at the heart of sweet sweet Jkt. Did not think anyone would then pick up until it actually happened. until you had to remove all your belongings from the property. you remember getting the keys to that empty 2-br flat and idk the rest is history.
- the content creator modeling slash everything that I have now been accustomed to, it went to a point of growing entitlement internally it felt like an ungrateful twat living the life often so out of touch from reality. you had it for good 2-3 years sometimes I cant believe where you are and the perks and how it changes you overtime have you not had a good self-control. you were not happy about who you were becoming. you wanted a shift. major turn in life, away from people, and bots, and the fakery of the industry if you wanted to grow to the top.
- that thing. you had accrued privileges that could literally carry you to the higher places in the long game beyond my imagination as a kid. you could literally go into politics for instance or start a business empire and stick to it for at least 5-10 years and not quitting just coz you feel like it
- you also keep things exciting. you had 1-3 years of roadmap meticulously planned and booked exciting things in other cities too life was filled w endless opportunities that was crazy how fast
- then you just left in such a hurry. you cancelled major things you were excited to do this year. instead you packed a carry-on for 10 years and another tiny suitcase an hour after helping out a brand Sushi Hiro four hours before flight. it felt like a regular trip out of town. you hopped on a plane. only 4 close friends took you to airport.
- you sat then the plane took off. it hurt so much holding back tears as a dude. it was dripping through my face I had to skip meals I just got shy and lowkey embarassed.
- yea, you relocated down under. you stayed in a hostel for 3 nights before finding a new place to call home.
- you finally get rid of your beloved mobile number of 11 years. along with all its histories. whatever, clean slate.
- now you’re in a shared house in the hills of the most isolated continent-sized country
- you took on new things. made new friends. got bored.
- Warriewood. On a first day of summa. you missed this coastall smell of ocean. like Lombok the quieter beach. then you’re reminded of …….
- i dont know where and when exactly that joy just left in me with life with all the ideal peak scenarios of my life had I . life moves so fast when you said yes to the right things then it freaks you the fuck out all at once
- you miss home. No it’s not 31 weekends. some cold mornings you rushed to the station and finding it harder to breathe.
- why did I leave all that.
- Why is this titled 31 what was I even on
- you actually had a taste of 9-5 before and now back at the wheel with Aussie business lingos
- it has been weekend raves and coastal walks and making new friends
- one morning you received a whatsapp just images of a car completely crashed wrecked there is no way someone could survive a crash like that it felt life literally stopped for a minute you were in Disbelief but pulling urself together was all that matter and collect the right help trying not to panic on sunday morning calling all your speed dials at home
- I dont understand to date why all that must happen i dont understand to what extent are we to be tested, the prices we must pay with our faith but deep down i feel bits of assurance that maybe, just maybe, there is God’s plan and He truly is the great great writer idk how to logically explain that right now
- I wanted to grieve on most days out of fear what if Im starting to like it here despite how drastic my life changes, what if Im too comfortable of leaving people behind and behind and too busy focusing on my own goals that I still struggle figuring out
- some days you feel like you’re walking like a nobody, but with some time and inner work, you finally feel like you belong. and actually believe in yourself you can crush it.
- Also happy birthday. For the first time i do not have to deactivate my socials and be away from everyone. I was actually away, from comfort of everything of idk, of familiar faces
- I am constantly grieving the life the potentials the sweet promises, had I stayed
- crushing it –> that’s the question I’ve been wandering extensively in my head what I really want. the life I want to design, in which I see myself fulfilled, today-self and younger versions of me.
- I stumbled upon a book called Evening and Weekend in my first weeks here and just how fitting it felt at a time
- it felt like a while ago. it also felt like yesterday my bestfriends left the country to build a life in farway European lands, American soil, all the romanticised western dreams we
- i am now an immigrant.
a few weekends later;
by
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Muhammad Carlos 
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