G-30S. Messy.

just finding the title freshly fitting with the timing of this writing – minutes before September ended heheh. Hitting the messy thirty then. I felt like yapping and writing alone here. So allow me pls.

two weeks ago I hopped on a last-minute plane ride to celebrate this dirty thirty in a place where (insert something philosophical). Places like home or the the mountaneous Sa Pa or Penang (?) came into mind, then no, in probably the most unthinkable place of all – Bangkok. Still don’t know why thoughts led to the world’s most mainstream spot. perhaps the way I’m still drawn to this liberal melting pot I grew up visiting from time to time and finding myself in my early 20s. One of the places I could meet the past versions of me. I could easily recalling first time arriving soaked and speaking at an event filled with undergrads like I was someone important, the untold stories, friends, strangers and whatever happened in this megacity. Like the city, lots have evolved. The way I feel not as strongly about the city. I no longer hang much with my Thai friends or others, it’s like I’d bump into another familiar face in some random area. I returned in pursuit of last convincing to self that a lot of things I used to find joys in, I don’t anymore. But I’m also this same dude who hates lots of things. So there I did some reflecting despite being constantly distracted by urgent work things (which I still resent to date haha).

Anyways on making it to dirty thirty. In a sense, someone within my life compass pointed to me that “you know what, you’re entitled to feel bored to death. You made your marks somehow. You have achieved tons in the vast breadth of the things you do.”

Huh, I paused. Silently agreed.

I have been tracing looking back on every person I had a chance to work with to keep up where they are now (spread across the globe), not even exaggerating. And it’s itching deep in me what is it I’m even looking for in this city I now have hustled in for a decade. Without trying to sound like a dickhead, I have earned the super privilege to have access to the top-tier of things, from which I can easily benefit from any moment. All at my disposal it’s insane to even ponder about sometimes. But never once I knock on that door and collect favors “hey can you pull this string for me” just because not necessary.

So between navigating plenty of circles I question myself at times of my belonging, I don’t quite feel it. I constantly find myself struggling to relate to them but YES, as a good friend, I’ll nod and be everyone’s cheerleader when needed.

Maybe I was bored but I have also applied a different approach by expanding my horizons twice wider by making my leaps into the unknowns as a guy with many hats – someone in the content creator industry, showbizz, early tech startup and community scene, lifestyle fashion, F&B and hospitality, companies and foundation I started and have run in this city. Have taken every calculated risk to secure and tick off the adult checklist from owning a car, a home, establishing passive income streams, and mental health (?) I have done the work in different styles of 9-5 to slow morning-enabled routines to the luxury of not having the Sunday anxiety without trust fund. It sounds frankly like humble-bragging but to have come this far and achieved more than what my peers have and not having the sandbox to fall on when shit hits the fan, I think I did my twenties better than I have expected.

I went home to Lombok for a few quiet days and see mom and things too. It became clear I am failing to embrace who I am becoming today judging from the socials. A little harder at making peace about being in the spotlight, or near it. And it’s been hard considering what you now do and my own circles of support. I also despise the competitiveness of it all like everyone is craving for the sheer of it.

Something deeper is itching in me. The joys in pivoting things in work and hobbies and life have diminished. Thought it was just a temporary burnout and I’d cure it with new readings, music, friends, new places, but it’s beyond that. As in – my best coffee in Jakarta’s best cafes don’t even taste as great. Ok maybe I lied but you know how they’re starting to taste……not bland but…okay.

I’m sure there are a million tables I have not sat in where I feel anew again.

everything else kind of fell into places where they finally belong the past three months prior to this writing. long collaboration projects. Slowly distancing myself from soft-spoken manipulators. The people who turned up out of the blue recently kind of gave me the full circle energy.

After spnding some measurable times away, I then gained some clarity on curating my life, decluttering and resorting priorities and so on all the adult stuff.

Roaring twenties DONE AND DUSTED. Now I want more of life.

peace peace sorry for ranting here, poorly structured. will write better next.