1. Working for a big corporate.
Before I went to college, I already found myself in early days of tech in ride-hailing era of Grab and Uber opening their operations in Jakarta, out of small hotel rooms. Then shifted to fintech, and insurtech, then proptech, everything techie, but none of which was a large corporation where big hierarchies exist and career longevity and prospects are better expected than those at startup world no matter how upscaled the company could get. I have not acquired such experience and the way I’m built with lean operations and startup mindset, I do not think I’m cut out enough to survive the working dynamics and all it entails. More often than I care to admit, still I ponder at these potentials from time to time and its stability heaven along with fancy business trips. But more and more it feels like a pipe dream to me despite being fully aware of my privilege – it’s always there when I want it. Maybe one day when I’m done experimenting.
2. Live west, go west. be half-white?
Be it study or working in a dream country of mine, it’s mind-fucking I have not actually been able to pursue that. People have always fund it peculiar that I did not spend as much time abroad to adopt and assimilate western ways of living in a sense I do not know where these perceptions came from of me. As far as my privilege extends, I am somehow cursed and glued to this part of the globe and quite unsure why. Perhaps the long game does not allow me to be away that long or getting low-key terrified if I were to be on foreign soil I would have to rebuild from scratch again like many of my friends. Or worse, then to return home at square one. Not that any of it is bad but they scare the hell out of me. At least the version of me today. Been scratching many cities I thought of moving in to but never did even provided with adequate resources and shortcuts at my disposal. The closest I did was 2-3 years ago, doing the early paperwok to go to east coast in North America or live down under (which is more convenient and closer to home). There were three other cities explored in Europe or Mandarin-speaking world but I pulled the plug mid-process. Yes it sure is ideal to build a sense of independence and self-survival but also it’s a hefty price to pay, opportunity cost-wise for me. I find myself glamorizing the notion less and less.
3. Tech startup of my own.
Weird how we evolve. I was so convinced this was the path I was born to do which led me to actually go into Computer Science (that way I could be a founder who is technical-driven haha), to work at startups whose CEOs are my dear friends slash mentors who showed me the ropes on building a team, MVP, and raised millions, or live the ramen profitable lifestyle before moving to Bay Area and all that shit. One day all this inspiration just like faded and faded and you tell yourself no this isn’t for me. It felt like once you raised enough money and built traction, your life is defined by numbers and race and answering to investors and <fill in all the horrors you watch on rising tech startup series> and just keep up with the marathon that never seems to exit yet to punch above for more. This thing is like designed for hustlers who get off on burning out for a really long marathon. It’s like yes I can starve myself until profitability, but not until Lisan Algaib comes to life. Howfuckingever, yet again, even with seemingly perfect ingredients, from knowing a number of key people in fundraising, engineering product, GTM marketing, yada yada yada, I just lost the guts and no longer glamorising this thing. In the past 24 months alone, I have learned to say no to 5 friends (and strangers) with world’s coolest ideas in tech. I’ll dissect more on when exactly I lost the confidence or the stomach for the game. But hey if that’s your thing. Do not get discouraged from reading this shitty post yeah. Do you. Do that. Solve problems.
4. Sing in public.
It has been 12-13 years since I last did it, properly on a stage. I remember it was at a hut on a random island off the Manila coast, I sang I’m Yours in 2016 in front of friends and drunk tourists (?) or the rest was just karaoke-ing with close friends. As my introversion grew on me unexpectedly stronger for each year that passed since, I somehow lost, not the confidence, maybe yes to an extent, but the ability and joys of allowing myself looking like a fool in front of many people. It’s not a matter of my calming the nerves because I had been able to speak in front of hundreds of people at events just fine, then the past 3 years found the courage to walk on the runway. All that is great. But singing is different, I still have not done it perhaps put of toxic perfectionism that I deny in me. The biggest progress I’ve done so far is making random videos of me singing or playing guitar, poorly, and putting it on my platforms. Then delete them as soon as the cringe catches on. For fun. It’s a mystery to myself even, is it I feel intimidated by my superstar friends, or actually really good singers or I’m just my worst enemy when it comes to self-critique. It just bothers the fck out of me that I do not try and next thing I know is it’s too late.
5. South american trips. Europe. Papua.
These still sit on top of my list. Let’s just believe the Universe is preparing a plan for when it’s the right time to go, for either pleasure or work. As much as I’m still obsessed with these places you have no clue, priorities are not to be messed with at this state I’m in. So gonna lay low and fuck around and hustle things might end up successful? Am I right or am I right.
6. Teach Myself Mandarin or Spanish.
Idk which to go first. I took Mandarin for 3 months from a friend, not even formal courses, and that’s it. Espanol for 3 months and quitting out of the thought that I might as well teach myself. Arabic is another level. My linguistic craves are endless but no progress is made to date. I know deep down I wont be able to master all three but at some point of my life I do dream of residing in places where I converse freely in these lingos not just for professional purposes but truly to connect with their inner jokes of these worlds word by word not only through English.
7. Buy a luxury car / motorcycle.
Call me insane but I do glamorise the idea of riding a bike in Jakarta, big bike like I would ride at home in Lombok (my friend’s), and the idea of how liberating that feels through traffic and such. Or a nice upgrade on the car front, preferably EV. I thought I’d be able to afford all these easily right off the start of my baby businesses but I was wrong. I got a little too excited about kicking off ventures and the thrill of starting a new one after another, resulting in…..you guessed it right – ramen profitable lifestyle. Let’s just say I’m in for the long haul. Not that I lack in anything I’m grateful already with what I have now at this age.
8. Play in a movie.
Wow. There were key reasons I believe why I did not get into this industry. Main ones being my rigid personality on punctuality or time-effectiveness and I understand how productions go and life on sets I did not think I have what it takes – patience and talent – for the job. It’s a world that feels unfamiliarly familiar perhaps that’s the profession I’m constantly surrounded by. And how actors are built differently in front of camera it would take a whole level of courage and to take on roles. Scary to think. But uh…
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Anyhow this list is getting shorter each year. The remainders are what keep me awake at nights wondering if crossing off a few from the list is worth proving anything at all to myself.
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P.S.: thanks for those dropping me DMs reminding to write more. Appreciate the slap in the face this certainly helps me to come back to my most authentic-self. Wishing you folks super well!
Muhammad Carlos 
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