And a decade passed. Most things have changed to their dramatic extent, others remain as if time never elapsed. What the hell happened to the first half of our roaring twenties anyways?
Ever since I set foot on this adulthood land, I knew I wouldn’t have survived a day had I kept the horribly know-it-all attitude with me. I have reached a quarter now and by nearly everyone’s standards, I’m supposed to freak out. For some, it means your career should be soaring that you’re already leading a small team in foreign countries or at least you’re on your way to Oxford on a full ride. Or for some others, it is to settle in your cozy home with a tiny family you dearly love, or have a pet too, basically feel content about life as we all should, I think. Or, what, pursuing a nomadic life across Asia, East Europe, Latin America, or where the fuck ever right. I’d lie if I said I did not pass out sometimes grappling with questions of life that my younger-self thought was all figured out. I was wrong ladies and gents.
The first hard truth one must accept when sailing into this adulthood is this:
you are not who you’d think you’d become.
And I find that pretty tough to swallow. We end up in places we never even thought we’d ever be in, the same way it hurts your pride when someone asks, who even the hell do you think you are in the middle of important dinner with people so very, very important right. But I guess with time, that obsession of wanting more and more in life faded a bit. You kind of just, like, accepted it, as if to say it was time to let go of the whatever pride you had grown in your toxic childhood where everyone was so supportive towards everything you wanted. It’s now a constant pondering of either nah you’re a nobody or hey you’re actually greater than who you think you are. Somewhere between those two.
Why? Our views evolved. We may have read and watched shit that stopped us from doing what we once thought we loved. We’ve gone a lot deeper to discover more and more truth about ourselves. We got bored, we no longer like the old shit we used to be obsessed about.
The twenties is roaring indeed. Now every month you have dates marked so you’re not behind in car payment, insurance, mortgage, credit card and all the boring adult shit, I know, just all money headache right. Counterintuitively, I now care about things I used to shrug away because life was less hard when you’re less pressured to make difficult choices that affect the next 5-10 years of your life, or somebody outside yourself. It’s a non-stop calculator in the back of your head, constantly mitigating risk and managing priorities. That’s just one aspect of adulthood. Mental stability is another. You’re expected to be damn good at it, ten times better than yesterday.
I remember there were times it was so hard trying to be still when there are dogs biting your both legs, figuratively. I mean that’s just what adulthood means mostly, to be able to motherfucking sulk it up doesn’t matter if the dogs biting you come with a bunch of mosquitos too (sorry for a lot of animal references). You should feel ok regardless how many hits you are taking from all sides, how sometimes you’re sorry for the things you’re not even responsible for, all for the sake of your long-term sanity, and for the sake of being mature. I mean mature = giving zero fucks really about shit that don’t matter and bury the hatchet every second you are about to punch that wall so hard. Or sue someone’s ass.
Being in the roaring twenties also have brought me ample proof of how life is differently similar from time to time. Like these:
- Confidence can regress in some parts, for instance now I no longer have the audacity I used to have and love a lifetime ago, to speak in public and just dominate the damn room. I’d rather watch let someone else do the talking and only step in when needed, or asked to.
- Finding the right hobby is the hobby. One day you’re excited to code in a new language, the next day speaking Mandarin fluently or mastering the next-level shit of everything from diving, surfing, Muaythai or whatever. Or develop a do-nothing routine more extensively than ever. Watching funny standup comedians being genius and all.
- There’s another new adult who entered our adult group and can’t shut up about being an adult trying to out-old everyone in the room.
- I seem to have lost my appetite in a long list of things to which extent I fear it might be early signs of growing apathy. You know when it’s getting a lot harder to genuinely be excited about something, even faking it could often feel enforced. Man I get seriously bored fast and often feels like ‘i’ve seen this somewhere and it’s bad man’. Yea, that.
- Whatever, like any stupid young adult, we all want to edit life. To take some parts out and replace them with decent shit. Hehehe. But I wanna believe I don’t regret anything in my life but I also kinda want to.
- I’m always tired. I love diving deep into sports but shit travelling now to me is a deep longing to be comforted in a nice room secluded from shit I hate. And I’ve grown so much hate for shit tons of things now. It is not good.
- I’ve grown bitter. For whatever reason, I lost some of the saint traits I had along the way. Like now when people see a highly-accomplished individual, or for putting people before me, it is not something I see or feel in myself anymore.
- Sounds cliche. My trajectory forward of course appears increasingly uncertain. It’s just sliding into one thing after another, whichever way the wind is blowing for now.
- Music? same old me. only stick to what I know. some curios asses who found my ass on spotify texted “why are u listening to this same playlist literally everyday?” Coz I can and love them.
- I still love to grind. Just in much smaller scale, coz Id rather be lazy on the beach or soak in cold river. There are times my friends and I rent a place just to not talk to each other for the 24 hours or more.
- I am not fast anymore.
- weird shit attracts me more.
- u feel shitty all the time. thrown against the wall. in theory you know damn fine to not lash out but, go help us, it is so hard. i bit my tongue a lot.
Guess that’s all a quick recap Ive been wanting to do since……last chritsmas or new year but, uh, life right. So, be back soon when I’m less lazy.